InSiDe My HeAd

Sooo the whole nonsense bout me and Brendon its over were done ....he moved out yesterday and you kno what im really happy i must say shit happens and he wasnt good enough for me and im tryin im 21 with a kid im not dead me im no where close to dead but everyone wants to put me there....listen i dont need anyone im goin to do it all on my own the best i can...and if i fail i fail cause i tried on my own with no ones help....no one in this goin to be 22 years of life ever helped me and you kno what im still alive....brendon has court today im kinda hopin they put him away teach his ass a mother fuckin lesson im done im done being under appreciated...im done being controlled im fuckin Nicole no one controls me fuckin no one

you kno whats funnie i was just reading the entry from when me and brendon first started goin out and i was soo happy it made me smile cause once upon a time ago this kid could take away all my pain in one kiss and now he gives it all too me. I dont kno why we turned into this maybe we never belonged together maybe we were one of those 3 months realtionships that still leave off on a good note or maybe we never should have had a child cause when i found out i was prego me and him were broken up for like 3 days and then i told him and then we got back together i dont kno maybe that part was faith cause it played out that way or maybe it was jus stupidity i dont kno i guess i never will i jus dont kno where the fuck we went wrong i dont kno why im not the hottest thing to him anymore why he doesnt love me why we turned this realtionship completely into shit and nothing can save it...hes mom wants up to go to couples thereapy and i kno i need that soo i agreed maybe well learn if we want to be together or is it time to throw up the gloves cause we cant keep pulling ea other along on this rocky road its not fun and its very hurtful. Well im trying my part he has to pull up on his end cause honestly hes the one slacking you kno the little things we use to do we dont even hold hands anymore...were like two people jus there we still have sex but i mean come on everyone needs to get off somewhere....i dont kno its been two years and shts goin down the toilet...this is the only thing jus think of this...we have a kid were stuck together forever not together together but i jus got myself a permenant fuck buddy...yes yes lol had to lighten it up somewhere

sooo.....my son is goin to be 6 months old were living in fl and we jus bought a brand new house not bad huh....i am homesick like you wouldnt believe but its like better for me here..the only thing that sucks is me and brendon lost that spark between us and it hurts i want to do my all to make this sht work but its hard cause we have soo much stress between us but it unacceptable....you kno how it is to be in a realtionship thats withering infront of you it hurts when theres nothing you can really do when people dont love ea other anymore you kno they cant do sht yo save it ... i dont kno i dont kno i dont kno thats all i can say i was in a good mood this morning but now im like UGHHHHHHHHHHH lol i dont kno man im jus like venting broo listenin to some old skool 50 ill be back laterzzz

So i dont kno why i still write in this anymore i guess i cant get rid of things that i had past a year lol. So here i am still with my bf and bout to have a kid any day now very excited. His name is Daniel Brendon and soo far he weighs 6 lbs they told me yesterday i jus cant wait till hes here and out already. All he does is kick and toss n turn soo like his mommy already i love it hehe. But yeahh everything been goin extremely well my moms excited my bf is past excited and im still excited just 9 months of caring him im jus dieing for him out already. Yeahh soo thats all i do now my birthday is next month that also exciting the big 21 already i cant wait i already have a babysitter and all lol im sorry its the big 21 i have to celebrate it if you look at all my birthday entries you kno its a must for me and my son will be fine i guess well see how it goes down when he actually here huh. Well this is my update nothing bad to say just happy i guess LaTERsSssS

ok soo its been 32 weeks accordin to the livejournal stats....im still with the kid i last wrote bout it goin to be a year we live together and were expecting our first kid yayness!!!! im happy.. im happy with him im happy with being pregnant im jus at a really happy time in my life right now even though my mom says ohh your life is going to be gone you kno i look and i dont see how like i had nothing good goin until this baby came along and now im jus happy i cant wait to be a mom help someone grow up take care of em and teach them anything and everything possible i dont see a downside to that at all...but i am 21 and still young but this is when we should start having kids my prime of my life was at 16 and im happy with how everything turned out i had fun i did my sht and now its time for me to grow up get married and start a family nothing wrong with that doesnt mean my life is downhill from now it just means its goin to get alot better

you ready this is me venting....


ok everything was fine 4 hours ago i was gettin 200 for florida eveyrthing was goin to be great now my momz gets xanies and the end result is im gettin accused of stealin em....ok lets get this straight i didnt fuckin take your stupid ffuckin pillz you fuckin crack feenin bytch...bro when i die from too much stress print this sht out and show the dumb bytch cause what am i goin to do lie to my fuckin journal lol lol fuckin ASSHOLE!

soo i been keepin to myself i havent bothered with anyone from jerz...i started goin out with this kid thats i been friends with and im really really happie like sht goes bad and im with him and im jus soo happy i havent felt like this in a long time and im happy this is all happenin but i dont want to jinx it you kno how i am i run away from commitment for some reason but i think i grew out of that i dont kno but i figure i give an update its been a while soo here it is im happy and love being home and im jus happy like thats all i think bout im jus really fuckin happy and i hope this never stops i hope that nothing goes wrong and everything stays jus the way it is

you kno there jus nothing good for me in this world...you kno what i wish i did steal those ambiens soo i can take them and fuckin never wake up. This bitch is crazy i didnt take anything from her and i jus keep gettin accused the more i try to make it right the more im doin wrong like this sucks i should have know this was goin to happen i had to made in jerz i had sht goin nice i was happy and look what happened im right back where i started i dont deserve this sht i dont at all im not that fucked up as a person i have a big heart and i can be a really good person this is bullsht i didnt do anything totally crazy to deal with this sht everyday i cant im goin to have like anxiety attacks again. you kno i should known not to come back here thats shes jus a fucked up person you kno why cause she wanted me with vinny lol someone who breaks your daughters nose she loves but someone that goes to school jus because they drink or becasue they live near the projects whatever the situation may be she hates them she rather me with someone that hits me drinks and jus brings me down thats what she wants for me that whats my mother wants me to stick myself with....you see i hate my fuckin life i hate this fuckin place i hate being alive and my famous line I NEVER FUCKIN ASKED TO BE HERE i should have been a fuckin abortion what made her decide to keep me why this is why to make me hate my life hate myself everything you kno i dont kno why she hates me anymore i dont kno what her motive behind this is at all is it im jus really not wanted in this family that i really dont belong to be apart of this why im fuck up jus like all the rest why dont i belong in it i think i fit in perfectly but you kno it was like my mothers mission to make me feel like i didnt belong here she is the reason for who i am how i am what i do everything she is my blame she made sure to fuck me up soo much she did for what...what did she possibly accomplish doin this sht nothing jus a fuck up i wish i can sue her i wish i can hurt her soo much and show her how much she hurt me in my life i hope she fuckin odz bro i do its friday i hope she smokes fuckin cracks and chokes on it cause you kno what this is fair that im the only one

its been a while you kno im back home in my moms i moved back there i cant do it here well since i last wrote me and him broke up but im jersey right now i came to vist and everything jus not the same i think when i miss someone i dont miss them i jus miss the fact of someone caring bout me kissing me holding me all that sht i think im jus infacuated with the fact of people caring bout me its like i dont kno anymore im jus soo upset with everything in life but then again im happy like will we ever have one feelin and stick with it why cant everythng jus be soo easy why cant i jus kno what i want and go for it o wellz what can you do you kno...o yeah and i broke my finger like a drunk hahahahaha the nly good part of the story

its simple i went to a party las nite got home at 7 trippin ballz and prob not sleepin soon see how easy that was